The Gideonse Bible   With the beard? Yeah, you!

10:26 am: Wait a sec. Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, and Dame Elizabeth Taylor are NOT there. Neither is Nelson Mandela.

10:27 am: Watching CNN. Soledad O’Brien just said that MJ and Nelson Mandela were “so connected.” Yeah, whatever.

10:30 am: The casket is GOLD. Of course, it is.

10:31 am: Anderson Cooper just said that, according to LAX,  there was an increase of visitors to LA. AC says that we don’t know why, but it could be because of MJ. Ah, live TV and nonsense speculation.

10:32 am: They’re showing the rehearsal footage from two days pre-dead. He’s sooooo lip-synching.

10:33 am: Oh! It’s starting.

10:34 am: The choir is singing “We’re Going To See the King.” The crowd cheers. Dude: The king here is NOT MJ. It’s Jesus, folks. Or God.

10:36 am: Random people are shouting, “We love you, Michael!”

10:38 am: Rev. Lucious Smith is throwing in MJ song titles. “Remember the Time.” “Heal the World.”

10:40 am: “I’ll Be There.” This was the most obvious song. Oh, Mariah. Why must you conduct your own voice with your left hand? Who the hell is Trey Lorenz? OMG!!! It’s the guy who sang on her cover from 1992. Where has he been?

10:41 am: Did the rest of the Jackson 5 have to wear identical black suits? I mean, really.

10:45 am: Queen Latifah is representin’ all the folks who didn’t know him. She just did the robot.

10:47 am: Oh, noes. She’s reading a Maya Angelou poem written for MJ’s death. For realz.

10:48 am: “Walk our dances across the face of the Moon.” “We had him.” “In Johannesburg and Pittsburgh.” Maya Angelous is all about the word play, isn’t she?

10:51 am: Lionel Richie can sing, can’t he? And oddly he looks exactly the same as he did back in 1985. Minus the Jheri Curl, of course. Let your soul flow!

10:53 am: Tomorrow, all of those backup singers are going to have to add “Michael Jackson: The Memorial” to their Myspace pages.

10:53 am: Berry Gordy is all about the cliche.

10:55 am: The photos on the Jumbotron in the background are insane. The one above Gordy right now is MJ doing some crazy leap wearing white knee pads. I mean, really.

10:57 am: Berry Gordy just said that MJ sang better than Smokey Robinson.

10:58 am: Okay, Berry is doing a real eulogy. Mad props.

11:00 am: “He went into orbit and never came down.”

11:00 am: Odds are “questionable decisions on his part” will be the only slightly negative thing said about MJ during this whole event.

11:03 am: Every time someone mentions “King of Pop” or “king” or anything remotely similar… or “He is simply the greatest entertainer who ever lived,” the crowd goes wild. Why do people cheer for superlatives and hyperbole?

11:03 am: That crazy picture stayed up during the whole Berry Gordy eulogy.

11:04 am: This montage is insane. MJ and Bill Clinton. Really?

11:05 am: The dancing is Teh Awesome, though.

11:06 am: Kissing Bubbles. Yes, kissing bubbles.

11:06 am: I really could do without the Christ symbolism.

11:07 am: Speaking of crazy superstars, here’s Stevie Wonder. “God must have needed him far more.”

11:08 am: Is it just me, or are the flowers rather garish?

11:09 am: Wow. What a perfect song for this event: “Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Summer.”

11:14 am: I think he rewrote the song. Since these ain’t the lyrics as I know them. Maybe I’m wrong. Also, maybe Stevie is a little screechy today.

11:15 am: Ya know, yelling out “I love you, Michael” during moments of silence between speakers is just obnoxious. And ostentatious. And narcissistic.

11:16 am: Kobe and Magic. They know from sexual impropriety. Sorry, but true.

11:17 am: So, it’s kinda amazing that MJ is in the Guinness Book of World Records for supporting more charities than any other celebrity.

11:18 am: “Michael, you eat Kentucky Fried Chicken? That made my day; it was the greatest moment of my life.” Magic Johnson, you’re a freak. And your analysis of civil rights is a little weird.

11:21 am: Jennifer Hudson is SO FUCKING AWESOME.

11:22 am: The woman dancing at the First AME Church in LA is wearing a top that makes her look nekkid.

11:23 am: I [heart] JHud’s wacky dancers.

11:24 am: I do love “Will You Be There.” It has, like, 4000 key changes. The recording MJ’s spoken-word part is haunting. I can’t decide if he’s acting the choking-up or is really choking up at his own lyrics.

11:26 am: I think Al Sharpton has been on the Jenny Craig.

11:27 am: Wow, it’s getting really church in here. Though I giggled when he said MJ “pulled up his pants and broke down the color curtain.” Tee hee.

11:29 am: Okay, Sharpton just said that Obama was elected president because MJ was awesome.

11:31 am: Sharpton to MJ’s kids: “There was nothing strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with.” I’m sorry: WHAT? MJ was not normal. He was weird. He was a genius and a great entertainer. But he was weird. What a frickin’ grandstander.

11:34 am: John Mayer plucking away at “Human Nature.” And then the synth comes in. Loudly. Whackadoo.

11:37 am: I change my mind. Not a bad arrangement. The back-up singing with the guitar as lead vocalist is rather nice.

11:38 am: OMG. The brothers are all wearing single glitter gloves. Does anyone else think that this is going to go down as one the oddest funerals ever?

11:39 am: Brooke Shields can barely hold it together. She’s shaking.

11:39 am: “It was the most natural and easiest of friendships.” “We had a bond. And maybe it was because we both understood what it was like to be in the spotlight from a very, very young age.” “When we were together, we were too little kids having fun.” He tried to teach her the moonwalk, and failed. They laughed. This is the sweetest, and most honest, moment of this event. Along with the Stevie thing.

11:43 am: “Yes, it may have seemed very odd from the outside.” You don’t say?

11:43 am: “What’s up with the glove?” Apparently, sequins chafe.

11:45 am: I [heart] Brooke Shields. She’s reading from The Little Prince.

11:46 am: She just referred to the third kid as “Blanket.” Good Lord.

11:47 am: Brooke Shields, FTW.

11:49 am: We’re now understanding why Jermaine Jackson never became a big star. And this song bugs. Srsly.

11:52 am: MLK III is a BIG man. And I think Bernice King’s outfit is fabulous.

11:54 am: MLK III is talking too quickly.

11:56 am: Bernice is telling a wonderful story about MJ calling Coretta Scott King as she lay debilitated by a stroke. He said Coretta was the real American royalty.

11:59 am: Rep. Shelia Jackson Lee just said that Congress knows that people are innocent until proven guilty. Er. Really? I mean, they know that. But… well, okay.

12:01 pm: Lee is saying that MJ was “the Good Samaritan.”

12:02 pm: It seems that he lectured 15 African ambassadors about fighting HIV/AIDS. Wow. I didn’t know that.

12:03 pm: I’m being persuaded that Michael Jackson may have been a great man. “Michael fought the good fight.”

12:05 pm: Well, okay. Lee wants the Congress to recognize MJ as a great American. Sure, why not?

12:07 pm: I just saw on the Huff Post that Corey Feldman wore the iconic Thriller era MJ outift to the memorial. I switched to Huff Post because Usher’s “Gone Too Soon” is so boring.

12:11 pm: But I guess the family liked it. Though I gotta wonder why Janet had to carry her purse when she got up to hug Usher. Did she think Tito was going to swipe it? Or, wait, is that Latoya?

12:12 pm: They’re showing footage from Ed Sullivan of MJ doing the Smokey Robinson song that Berry Gordy said MJ did better than Smokey.

12:14 pm: Oh, because Smokey is gonna talk now. He’s pointing out the MJ sang “Who’s Lovin’ You” at age 10 as if he had already lived four times that long.

12:16 pm: Smokey has had so much work done. And he had a long visit with the Botox guy yesterday.

12:16 pm: Smokey, it ain’t all about you.

12:17 pm: “The greatest entertainer of all times.” Times? Hunh? There’s more than one history of the world? Sorry, that sort of crappy grammar just annoys me.

12:19 pm: Who the hell is Shaheen Jafargholi? And why in the world would they choose another child to sing “Who’s Lovin You”? When MJ did it, it was wrong and inappropriate, even if it was brilliant. It’s still wrong and inappropriate, especially with some kid doing an imitation of MJ.

12:21 pm: Oh, he’s a Welsh-Iranian Britain’s Got Talent star. Kenny Ortega’s explaining. Here’s the wiki page.

12:23 pm: Kenny Ortega is claiming that the never-will-happen London concerts were going to be MJ’s triumphant return to the world. Not if you believe this, of course.

12:25 pm: This “We Are the World” number is very American Idol does MJ.

12:26 pm: Oh, noes. It’s a sing along! And Corey Feldman is there. Lolz. [UPDATE: Sorry. It's a lookalike back-up dancer from the JHud number.]

12:27 pm: Love the people in the lawn chairs outside the Staples Center waving their hands along with the song.

12:28 pm: Oh, look. Children! Lots of them!

12:29 pm: “Heal the Word.” It, also, has 4000 key changes.

12:32 pm: The video from Gary, Indiana, is kinda tragic.

12:32 pm: Oh, these kids on stage are ridic. That blonde girl over doing her you-and-me moves is going to see this video in a few years and be mortified.

12:34 pm: Jermaine, it, too, is not about you.

12:35 pm: There’s Jesse Jackson wandering around in the background.

12:36 pm: Honestly, MJ’s kids look really bored.

12:37 pm: One of the brothers is telling a very odd story about catching MJ wearing a wacky homeless-guy disguise. Oh: “Maybe now they will leave you alone.” Very sad. Oh, it was Marlon.

12:38 pm: Wow. Paris speaks. “Best father I could ever imagine.” Guess she wasn’t bored. Sorry.

12:41 pm: “Thank you and good night.” It’s 12:41 pm. Well, I forgive him. It’s dark in there.

12:42 pm: Out goes the golden casket as the band plays “Man in the Mirror.” A spotlight shows on a MJ-less microphone. By the way, he didn’t write that song.

12:47 pm: Rev. Lucious Smith’s closing prayer is rather good, if obvious. This event is supposed to be “a reminder that we, too, can make a change.”

12:50 pm: Back to CNN proper. And AC goes straight to Larry King, who I just loathe. He’s actually reviewing the event as if it was show.

12:52 pm: AC just asked Larry King about what the casket looked like. “Very expensive.” And with that, I’m outa here.