The Gideonse Bible   With the beard? Yeah, you!

While I’m setting up this post with my favorite line and favorite scene from “The Princess Bride,” I think it probably would have been more appropriate to open with video of Miles McPherson of San Diego’s mega-church, The Rock, lie and (deliberately?) misinterpret the Bible in order to demonize gay people and same sex marriage. But that would be really gloomy and boring, and, besides, you can’t embed any of their videos into outside blogs. (If you’re a real masochist, you can watch some recent ones here.) And I’ve been telling my students always to open their essays with stuff that will suck in their readers. A clip from “The Princess Bride” seemed like a better bet than a bad sermon.

You’re probably wondering how I came across Miles McPherson, ex-NFL player, recovering addict, current theo-thug. Well, it wasn’t by chance. I don’t read the San Diego papers–because they suck–and I certainly don’t go out looking for people who get up in front of several thousand people every Sunday and proclaim that I’m going to going to Hell. Not my idea of fun. But, hey, when I was asked to transcribe some sermons for a colleague, I did it. And that’s how I came across McPherson and his pals in Fundamentalism, Jim Garlow, Chris Clark, and James Griffiths. Garlow is also one of those winners who spent an absurd amount of time attacking The Da Vinci Code; his book of said attacks sold 500,000 copies, or so he claims. Clark is mostly a theo-thug, but has one good quality: He’s kinda hot. Too bad he’s a liar, just like Garlow and McPherson. And Griffiths. He’s the Karl Rove here. He’s the lawyer responsible for the anti-gay marriage amendment that the three theo-thugs are obsessively pushing in California right now. In one sermon I transcribed, Garlow and Griffiths discuss how, if they don’t get this amendment passed in California, pastors will go to jail for refusing to to perform gay weddings. It was hard for me to tell if they were either so stupid as to believe that this would, or could, actually happen in the United States or so cynical that they thought that if they told the congregation such nonsense, the congregation would actually believe it. Of course, these folks hang out with McPherson, whose bizarre interpretation of the story of Nebuchadnezzar killing all the wise men in Babylon for not answering the right way to a weird question meant that God will, and should, strike down any pastor who doesn’t do exactly as Miles McPherson thinks God wants us to do. You don’t need a degree in divinity to figure out that Nebuchadnezzar was a megalomaniac killer, and not the best example of divine right to smite. And McPherson is considered some sort of hero in this city. Makes me want to cry, actually.

Anyway, it was while I was doing these transcriptions that I discovered that the theo-thugs and their followers had again started a petition drive to get an anti-gay marriage amendment on the November ballot. Last time they tried it, they fell short by some 700,000 signatures, so I wasn’t worried. Until I found out a few weeks ago that they were very close this time. Very close. (Here’s some propaganda.) As in, they had three weeks to get 100,000, and thus, they would most likely get the amendment on the ballot. The amendment would make it impossible for anyone–the legislature or the California Supreme Court, both of which are poised to make gay marriage legal–to allow me the exact same rights as Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had. (Here are their totally whacked out reasons why the amendment is needed.) A 2006 poll in the state showed a 51/43/6 split on approval of gay marriage, so, by now, it would be close. But, as readers of the blog know, I don’t believe minority rights should ever be put up to popular vote. For quite obvious reasons. The United States was founded as a republic to prevent the idiocy of mob rule. These insane voter-driven amendments are exactly what they didn’t want.

Argh. We have way too much democracy in California.

So, I have been helping the wonderful people at Equality for All try to stop the initiative from getting on the ballot. I love these folks. They are the most energetic, engaged, and positive people I’ve met in a long while (since the gays in San Diego aren’t terribly political) and they really know what they’re doing. Last Sunday, I volunteered as a “deflector.” I went out to El Cajon, stood in front of a Wal-Mart, and asked shoppers not to sign the petition that some Paid Signature Gatherer was pushing behind me. Let me tell you: It sucked. I am not meant for that sort of work. And the PSG called mall security on me, which led to my discussing Supreme Court decisions with a rent-a-cop, calling my fierce supervisor, learning how the mall interprets the Supreme Court decision, and then having to relocate to a Ralph’s in Hillcrest, where we trolled for volunteers (quite successfully, I should add). My partner that day was 15-year-old girl whose mom is a big activist. It was all very exciting. And infuriating: The PSGs lie, cheat, and steel to get those signatures, especially now that the desperate fundies are paying them $1.50 for every bigot whose signature they get. Sorry: That’s unfair. A lot of the signatures come from people who have no idea what they’re signing, because the PSGs lie to them, saying such things as “This is for a clean environment” or “victim’s rights” or “FOR gay marriage.” That last lie actually happened at the Whole Foods in Hillcrest. Nice. The PSGs have six or seven petitions going on at once and they bait and switch them in order to get the signatures that bring in the most money.

During the week, I called potential volunteers, sent out emails, and, ugh, called in a PSG sighting on the UCSD campus. The guy was set up in front of Thurgood Marshall College. Oh, the irony.

On Friday, my friend Jason and I drove around looking for PSGs. When we saw one, we called their location into headquarters, and Equality for All sent deflectors. All of this with military precision. I found one in front of a Target who was dumb as a box of hair. I saw the marriage petition on his table and immediately called into headquarters and said, “Yeah, they have marriage. Send two people. Great.” He just looked out blankly, having no idea what hell would await him–uppity progressives in red shirts telling anyone who got near him that he was serving bigots. Whee! However, at the Vons in Pacific Beach, the PSG was a little more aware. Jason inspected his table, found the marriage petition, and said, “This is just WRONG! You should be ASHAMED!” I called headquarters. And the PSG packed up his stuff and left. He can’t collect signatures while he’s driving around looking for a new site to sucker people. Jason: “What a rush!”

Not surprisingly, PSGs are controversial.

I better wrap this up. I have to get down to headquarters and help out. The fundies have until tomorrow to get their signatures. They may not because of our efforts. The raise to $1.50 showed that they’re nervous. I’d hope so. Of course, I think they’ll be a lot more nervous when they meet up with Jesus after they die, and he says, “What part of my teachings led you to preach hate?”