The Gideonse Bible   With the beard? Yeah, you!

I’ve got an irritating cold, so even though we were invited to an Oscar party (hurray!), we’re staying home. Rob’s making W² enchiladas, and I’m making margaritas and downing pseudofed and ibuprofen, the three of which I’m sure aren’t meant to be combined. Whatever: The Oscars aren’t meant to be watched sober. Not that there’s anything wrong with being sober.

And now for my first ever attempt at live blogging. Whee! After the jump, kiddies …

5:00: Okay, here goes. Oh, wait, nevermind. We’re Tivoing the thing because Rob is making the enchiladas. So, I can’t start this until Rob’s done making dinner. Which means that I’ll be on a tape delay of sorts. So, in the meantime, I’ll do some filler … about … uh … Oscar drinking games! I’ve found a bunch.

Here’s one adapted from LazyDork.com. It’s pretty standard, and it will work for any old Oscar telecast. So drink every time…

• Anyone’s acceptance speech gets cut off by the orchestra
• Anyone receives a standing ovation
• Anyone cries
• Anyone’s joke falls completely flat
• Anyone says “I know I’m forgetting someone . . .” during their speech
• Anytime there are multiple people who win the same award and one person hogs up all the speech time
• Any commercial is shown for an upcoming film
• Anyone thanks the Academy
• Anyone rattles off at least three names of people they thank without interruption
• Optional for those of you who really, really, really want to get wasted: Any time a nominee’s name is said.

But the best one I found for the 2008 awards is from Vagabond Scholar. It’s insanely specific:

• For every mention of the writers’ strike, take only a sip. Take it easy there.
• For every joke about Bush being a) dumb b) a dictator c) spoken to by God d) from Texas, take a drink.
• For every joke about Dick Cheney being Darth Vader, Voldemort, Satan or the like, take a drink. Take another if it’s “Cthulhu.” Take no drinks for any reference to Cheney shooting someone, unless it uses some variation on the phrase “shooting an old man in the face.”
• For every joke about the Democrats in D.C. being spineless, take a drink.
• For every joke about the race, gender or age of the remaining presidential nominees, take a drink.
• If Kucinich gets a shout-out, take a drink. If his wife being gorgeous is referenced, take a drink, and if her tongue-stud is mentioned, take another.
• For every joke about Romney being an animatronic robot escaped from Disneyland (or similar), take a drink.
• If the competing endorsements of conservative action stars are referenced somehow, take a drink.
• For every Arnold Schwarzenegger joke, take a drink. If they say “Cally-forn-nia” take another, and if they mention Conan, take three more.
• If Michael Moore reminds the assemblage that they booed him off stage in 2003 when he said that Iraq was invaded under false pretenses, take a drink.
• If Jon Stewart references his part in Death to Smoochy again, take a drink. If he says “third male lead,” take another.
• For every joke involving Tom Cruise and cult-like behavior, take a drink. If anyone mentions Xenu, take another. If anyone says “Hail Xenu!” finish your drink, and if it’s said in earnest, head for the hills.
• If any of the “train wreck girls” are invoked (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton, etc.), take a drink. If “rehab” is mentioned, take another drink. If Amy Winehouse comes out and sings a few bars of “Rehab,” finish your drink.
• If Jack Nicholson is shown grinning, take a drink. If Jack is sitting with an actress younger than one-third his age (71), take three drinks.
• If the Weinsteins have taken hostage a gorgeous actress to sit with them, take a drink (and say a prayer for the poor dear).
• If George Clooney’s love life is referenced, take a drink. If anyone makes a homoerotic joke about Clooney, take two drinks.
• If anyone references “I drink your milkshake!” or spoofs another TWBB speech, take a drink.
• If the director cuts from Brad Pitt to Jennifer Aniston or vice versa, take a drink.
• If someone makes a joke about Russell Crowe and he scowls at it, take a drink.
• For each American who wins an acting award, take a drink (look at the list!).
• If one of the presenters can’t pronounce a nominee’s name or can’t read the teleprompter, take a drink.
• For every lame joke that bombs — drink some water, you need to pace yourself.
• If anyone thanks God, the almighty, etc. take a drink. If they thank Ganesha or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, finish your drink.
• If anyone thanks his or her agent, take a sip of someone else’s drink.
• If anyone says he or she is “humbled” or “blessed,” take a drink.
• If the music starts before the winner is finished, take a drink.
• If not all the winners in a group get to speak, take a drink.
• If someone forgets to thank their significant other, take a drink.
• If anyone cries, whether onstage or in the audience, take a drink.
• If a winner says, “Gosh, I don’t know who to thank,” only to begin thanking people, take a drink.
• If anyone is caught snoozing in the audience, take a drink.
• For any award presented by adorable moppets, adorable muppets, or animated characters, take a drink of soda or something sweet. If a live actor awkwardly banters with an animated character, take another drink of the same.
• For every plea to stamp out movie piracy, take a drink.
• For every seemingly purposeless montage, take a drink.
• If the montage or a presenter in some way plugs seeing movies in the theater, take another drink.
• If anyone climbs over Steven Spielberg and says they want to make love to the audience in the firmament, finish your drink.
• For any interpretative dancing, take a drink. If any dance or musical number involves writhing on the ground amidst dry ice and burning trash cans, tap-dancing in a concentration camp, or dancing vermin, take a drink.OSCAR PRE-SHOW (Optional)
• If Joan Rivers insults her daughter, take a drink.
• If she misidentifies someone, take a drink.
• If Oprah snubs an interviewer, take a drink.
• If anyone on the red carpet says, “it’s a honor just to be nominated,” take a drink.
• If a normally stunning person is dressed in something hideous, make a snarky comment (as if you needed a prompt!).
• If Billy Bush makes a bad pun to a celebrity, take a drink.
• If anyone insults Billy Bush to his face — or punches him — send that person a case of champagne.

5:32: We’re still sans TV because of the dinner-caused tape delay. Rob just asked me to
make the margs…
5:48: Finally. We’re on! We’re a little behind. But we’ll catch during the ads. Okay, we’ve got an opening montage thing. What the hell is going on? Why is Darth Vader dueling Spartacus? That’s not just anachronistic, it’s sacrilegious!

5:51: Predictable jokes galore! Vanity Fair is elitist. Bloody movies. Javier/Anton’s hair in “No Country.” A joke that mixes Alzheimer’s Disease with Hillary Clinton. “Atonement” as a Jewish joke. OMG: Gaydolf Titler. Ha!

5:59: What the hell is going on with Jennifer Garner’s hair? Has anyone heard of a hairpin? Or some glue?

6:01: Ha! “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” won for costumes. I was right! It is the MOST costumes.

6:02: Barbra. Yeah, right. Suuuure, you’re humble.

6:03: George Clooney is so freaking handsome. This 80th Anniversary montage is awesome. Because Celine Dion is AWESOME.

6:07: Who wrote this craptastic banter between Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway? And the winner is “Ratatouille.” I love being right. Brad Bird’s speech is adorable. And funny.

6:11: Katherine Heigel is nervous? Why? She looks like an angel! Lurvely dress. Ha! I got another one! La Vie En Rose for make-up. I love this guy’s Frenchiness. “Bye!” This lady, though… I think she’s wall-eyed. Rob: “Or her eye-lash is falling off.”

6:14: Amy Adams! But Sweet Jesus, this song is so silly. And where are the cute little animals? She’s all alone on the stage?! “Wasn’t this fun?” No. Not at all.

6:17: Oh, gee. Seeing Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas … it’s like seeing … uh, an old man and a young pretty lady. I swear, though, she’s 737 years old. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Or she’s a vampire.

6:18: Ha. Jon Stewart made fun of my clothes. He should.

6:19: Wow. “The Golden Compass” won for effects. Nice. I guess this was the least offensive movie. Dude: The basement tech support crew just won Oscars.

6:22: Rob: “I like how Cate Blanchett didn’t spend a lot of time and money on her hair.”

6:23: “Sweeney Todd” won for art direction. Whatever. It looked like a Broadway show, NOT a movie. Idiots! Rob: “I called it!” Cute old Italian lady: “Tank you! Tank you! Teem Bartone!”

6:26: Oh, wherefore Cuba Gooding, Jr.?

6:27: Jennifer Hudson! Looking like she’s trapped in 1982. Weird.

6:28: This margarita is gooooooood.

6:30: I forgot that Hal Holbrook is married to Dixie Carter!

6:30: Javier Bardem!!! I have no idea what the hell he’s saying. Oh, now it’s in Spanish. I understand that part. That’s REALLY weird.

6:33: We just finished off a pitcher of margaritas. In 45 minutes. And I’m still typing. Okay. I admit that that last sentence took me seven tries to finish.

6:36: Jon Stewart just translated Javier Barden’s speech. And he was wrong! By the way, that montage of binoculars and periscopes was stupid. Bad dreams funnier. But not much.

6:38: Kerri Russel is sooooo cute! The song from “August Rush” is treacly Oscar bait, though. Those kids are amazing, though. Rob: “Damn! That girl is a good singer! … Hey, there are white people in that choir.”

6:42: Owen Wilson is medicated.

6:43: Rob: “Another Frenchie!” Me: LEARN ENGLISH! (KIdding.)

6:45: Wouldn’t it have been nice if we’d actually seen these short films? Get them on YouTube, you nutters!

6:48: Supporting Actress! Finally, some suspense! Three of them are geniuses.

6:51: HOLY SHIT! Tilda Swinton!!!!! It was her first nomination. Rob: “That’s a crime for sure.” Okay, that Batman joke was almost genius, and then it was a little confusing. But still: Wow. She’s the coolest.

6:54: The most laughable moment so far: “Coming up: Jessica Alba and Mylie Cyrus!” Yes, on the Oscars.

6:59: Wine! “Abrazo Del Toro.” Hug of the bull? Say, what?

6:59: Rob: “Don’t forget: You have to make the mousse! Don’t get too drunk.” Fucker.

7:01: Rob just told me NOT to quote him about something. So, I won’t. Anyway. WTF?: “The always fantastic Jessica Alba.”

7:03: Josh Brolin and James McAvoy. Homosocial behavior. Whatev: I’d buy THAT porn.

7:04: The Coens!!! Gee, they’re such dorks: “We’ve only adapted Homer and Cormac McCarthy.”

7:08: John Travolta just said “hithertofore.”

7:09: Mylie Cyrus must be stopped.

7:10: Rob: “Rob, who usually loves musicals, snores.” And then: “This is making Paula Abdul’s ‘Under the Sea’ look good.”

7:14: Who are two people who have never been in my kitchen: “Dame Judi Dench and Halle Berry.” Oh, wait, no. Ew. Fat guys with curly hair, meaning Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan. Rob: “[The latter] is an honorary bear.” Dude: I chose “Bourne” to win for sound editing! Whee! These guys are high. Totes.

7:19: Yeah, so “Bourne” has cool sounds. Let’s move on. Oh, wait. He said a funny. “Is it alright to kiss Halle Berry now?” Not if it’s Jonah Hill!

7:21: Best Acrtress montage. Lovely. Gay-ness is making me swoon. Hee hee. Wow: This is early. Forrest Whitaker. Rob: “He has the weirdest eyes.” Me: “Duh: One’s lazy.”

7:26: Marion Cotillard!!! Dude. Upsets galore! “You rock my life! Thank you life! Thank you love! It is true, there are angels in this city!” Tee hee. Wow. So cute!

7:29: Colin Farrell just slipped. Rob: “He’s drunk.” OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!: “Falling Slowly.” This song makes me swoon. The best song ever! Ever! Ever! Ever!

7:33: Jack should have gargled with honey and tea.

7:39: Montage of Best Pictures. I’ve seen, like, a fifth of them.

7:39: Editing! “Bourne” won editing!!! Sweet Jesus. And the editor was the son of one of the writers of “Pillow Talk.” Gay.

7:50: I just made chocolate mousse out of Cool Whip, Hershey’s syrup, and Nutella.

7:59: Robert Boyle is old. Not McCain old; Strom Thurmond OLD. They’re clapping because he made it to that stage.

8:02: Okay, I’m mean. He’s actually frickin’ awesome, and he’s 98. He would be awesome if he was 78.

8:04: Yeah, right: Penelope Cruz can speak four language. She can annunciate in four languages. That’s deeferrrent.

8:05: Okay, “The Counterfeiters” won best film in a foreign language, because “Persepolis,” “Diving Bell and the Butterfly,” and “Four Months, Three Weeks, and Two Days” weren’t eligible. Nevertheless, I’m sure this movie is perfectly nice.

8:08: Patrick Dempsey is “versatile.” Ha. I wish John McLaughlin was. He’s cuuuuute. Yum. Hello, lover! Rob: “His pants are tight.”

8:11: John Travolta’s wig is creepy. Like him. Duh.

8:12: “Once”! “Once”! “Once”! “Once”! “Once”! “Once”! “Once”! “Once”! I love that song so much, it’s crazy.

8:16: Oh, how sweet. They’re letting Markéta Irglová thank everyone. Her speech is the best so far. She makes me swoon!

8:18: Cameron Diaz is wearing a toga. And she can’t say “cinematography.”

8:20: Roger Elswit just won for cinematography. Wow. Deserving. All upsets, all the time.

8:25: Parade of the Dead. Rob: “No Michael Woulfe! That’s weird.” Well, he did design the costumes for Susan Hayward in “The Conquerer.” So, um, yeah. Now Rob’s arguing with me about this …

8:31: Is it just me, or is this show going really quickly?

8:32: The soldiers are announcing the nominations for the best documentary. Hello, pandering! Also, some of them are cute.

8:34: The gay marriage documentary won! Yes!

8:35: I love how the movie no one heard of won best documentary. The speech is awesome, though.

8:41: Harrison Ford is also medicated. Or just plain high. Hard to tell.

8:42: Rob: “Diablo Cody looks like Wilma Flintstone!” OMG: She’s so cute. But she looks a little annoyed for not being perfect on the podium.

8:44: Best Actor!!! These montages rock.

8:46: Helen Mirren makes me horny. She just said, “Cojones.” Hee.

8:49: Daniel Day-Lewis. Holy SHIT. He just said that it’s all about Paul Thomas Anderson and Rebecca Miller. His was the one of the greatest performances in the history of cinema.

8:52: Me: “Is that Eva Mendes?” Rob: “No, she’s in rehab.”

8:55: Director. Whee! Yay! The Coens!!! I’m so thrilled! Now, Rob says, “He’s so cute!” I so want to see “Henry Kissinger: Man of the Go.”

8:59: Wow. They might actually finish this show on time.

9:01: Scott Rudin finally won an Oscar. And he thanked his partner, John Barlow. I didn’t realize he had a partner, or that it was John. Aw. But that’s nice. Yay for the gays.