The Gideonse Bible   With the beard? Yeah, you!

7:34 PM: I’ve decided to live blog the finale of “American Idol” mostly because, well, it was so much fun live blogging the Oscars a couple months ago. Though unlike the Oscars, the finale has already happened. It’s only live on the East Coast, not the West Coast. Even though it happens on the West Coast. It just happens here at 5pm. So, really, it’s been over for 34 minutes.

7:42 PM: Making the margaritas.

7:54 PM: Yummy margs! The key is not overdoing the margarita mix and using the correct portions of tequila and triple sec. This means 1.5 tequila to 0.5 triple sec to 1.0 “mix.” And by “mix,” I mean lime juice and whatever else you want. Tonight I did have lime juice and half Trader Joe’s margarita mix, which, unlike the Mellow-Yellow-meets-horse-piss mix offered at 95% of Mexican restaurants in the United States, is actually quite tasty. It’s still too sweet, though, so it needs to be cut by actual lime juice, fresh-squeezed preferably. Oh, and I’m using frozen strawberries as ice cubes.

7:59 PM: I just turned on the TV. Why is Vera Wang making mattresses? I mean, really. How much money does she need? She’s totally watering down her brand. Totes.

8:00 PM: It’s on! Oh, gee: Ryan just asked, “What does it look like when American’s #1 show reaches its critical mass?” Does the writer even know what critical mass is? It’s this. Idiots. Even more idiotic: “97 and a half million votes!” I mean, dude, we voted 40 times for Mr. Cook, but did everyone else vote that many times? Are there really that many weirdos out there? Wait a sec! Hot bear Matt Rogers is in Salt Lake City with a bunch of blonde Mormon girls. HIGH-larious! Even funnier: Chanting “Arch – Oo – Letta!” like they’re at a football game. Mormons. Ha!

8:04 PM: Oh, sweet Jesus. It’s the finalists dressed as the Solid Gold dancers. And they have back-up dancers! Who look like they were groping Britney Spears at the VMAs. I bet there’s a ton of overlap here. This is hideous. Amanda Overmeyr, in all white, attempting to harmonize with the rest of them… it’s like Elaine Stritch on the “Company” soundtrack.

8:10 PM: The Davids are singing the Chad Kroger song from Spider-man… together… like lovers. Tee-hee. Archuleta is getting totally out-sung. Or not. They actually sound great together. Nice. Even if Chad Kroeger is the Anti-Christ.

8:12 PM: Oh, please. A frickin’ promo product placement for that stupid Mike Meyers movie? Could they be more cynical? No. Because “American Idol” defines cynical. Okay: The guru’s mantra is “Mariska Hargitay” and that is FUNNY. Oh, my God. Archuleta did not get that “boom boom in your pull-ups” joke.

8:16 PM: Meyers just tried to shave Cook. Ha!

8:16 PM: Rob: “Isn’t that a stereotype?”

8:18 PM: Syesha and a “very special guest” who is… Seal. HOLY SHIT! Seal!!! Er… Seal’s got some wide hips. And those pants are tight. (We just got a text from a friend in-the-know: “Seal is hung.”) But he can blow. As it were. Syesha, on the hand, sounds like she … well, as Rob just said, “She can’t really compete with him.” No shit. Seal rawks, tho. Not into the pants, tho. You’d think he’d be better dressed, being Heidi Klum’s husband and all.

8:24 PM: I hate that weird Bollywood WaMu ad. It’s unnerving.

8:26 PM: Ryan just made a joke about how long we’re going to have to wait for the results. And then he gave us Jason Castro singing “Hallelujah.” Rob and I are waiting for the guest singer … No one! Rob: “Everything rhymes with luh-ya!” Then: “They couldn’t find anyone willing to sign with him!” Well, methinks his version is just fine. Not quite Rufus Wainright’s, but fine.

8:28 PM: OMG: A fate worse than death: A montage of craptastic Ford ads staring the finalists. Blech.

8:29 PM: They just gave hybrids to the Davids. Cook looks elated. Archuleta looks confused. Ryan asks if he has a license. He does. Yeah, right. Close up on the dad. Who hasn’t changed his hat in nine months. That thing must smell by now.

8:30 PM: Donna Summer medley. Kill. Me. Now. Amanda Overmyer: Give it up. Go home. Carly, however, is in her element. Yay!

8:31 PM: Donna Summer! Donna Summer! Donna Summer! Donna Summer! Donna Summer!

8:32 PM: That is not her hair.

8:33 PM: Overmyer is drunk. Or stoned. Or suicidal.

8:34 PM: Donna’s singing “Last Dance” and so is, HA, Rob! Hot. Donna’s microphone is tricked out like Michael Jackson’s glove. Tee hee. Syesha just sang a verse — aw.

8:35 PM: Dinner!

8:40 PM: Carly and Michael Johns doing a “We got kicked off too early and we don’t suck!” duet. And they’re doing “The Letter,” one my favorite songs EVER. And they’re blowing it out of the park. If it was a park, instead of the Kodak. The arrangement is way cool, too. Do they do weddings?

8:43 PM: Name-checking Cincinnati!

8:43 PM: Jimmy Kimmel is going roast the show now. And he does … one mean thing after another. Holy Cow: I love Simon’s nastiest comments set to music. Sorta.

8:45 PM: The men are doing Bryan Adams. And David Hernandez is there, getting his gay on. Weird: The finalists walked on like Cinderella to the ball. Creeeeepy. Cook and Archie (scew the -leta) are doing “Heaven,” which is an awful song.

8:47 PM: Now Bryan Adams is on stage. Looking oddly hot for being 937 years old. The guys are his back-up singers. Bryan Adams needs to get more protein. A bit scrawny. Rob: “Though his butt looks good.”

8:50 PM: Okay: Not as good as the Donna Summer Experience.

8:50 PM: I just snapped my fingers at Rob and he poured me more marg. He is soooo trained!

8:51 PM: Just saw the “Wall-E” ad. Looks cute. But is all the dialogue going to be in R2D2-speak? That could get annoying.

8:54 PM: Jordin Sparks just did an ad for the Disney World’s “American Idol Experience.” I just threw up in my mouth a little.

8:55 PM: Sign of the Apocalypse #12.13BZ: David Cook and ZZ Top doing “Sharp-Dressed Man” on “American Idol.” Of course, he sounds great. The Tops (the ZZs?) look a little worse for wear. Cook just did a weird thing with his knees. Mmm: Cook’s knees.

8:58 PM: David Cook is a rock star. Obv.

8:59 PM: Makaila Gordon should NOT be wearing that dress. Way too tight. But she’s talking to Cook’s music teacher and that is way cute.

9:00 PM: Brooke White is singing with Graham Nash. T-minus 10 seconds to crying. Wow: She’s holding it together. THANK GOD. Aw, so sweet. If she plays her cards right, she could be the next Jewel. Ha. That’s a fate worse than death.

9:02 PM: Coldplay’s iTunes ad gave me shivers.

9:03 PM: Jennifer Hudson is singing over the “Sex and the City” ad … I just got, er … sweaty.

9:04 PM: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! David Cook in his underwear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I now officially want to play “Guitar Hero.” Mom? I want a Play Station for my birthday.

9:06 PM: Ryan just said that this band “needs no introduction.” I have no idea who they are. Rob: “The Jonas Brothers?” If they are: Ew! They’re virgins. For realz. They’ve all taken purity pledges. Cuz they’re evangelical Christians. They grew up in psycho Jim Garlow’s old church is Texas.

9:09 PM: Who is that old lady in the red?

9:10 PM: Ah, the moment we’ve all been waiting for — the montage of terrible (re: psycho / disabled / retarded) auditions. “Take it! Take it! Take it!” Well, at least they’re less homophobic this year.

9:11 PM: The brought out that the nutty “I’m your brother” guy and now the USC marching band has joined him. That’s kinda genius. Love it! I actually LOLed. Paula and Randy have now joined him on stage. Sadly, he refuses to stop singing. Heh. Okay: It was awesome. But it was not the utter brilliance of the Clay Aiken uber-fan duetting with Clay Aiken. Because that was, well, brilliant and sick.

9:18 PM: One Republic. Yawn. But: Have y’all noticed that he looks like a younger, cleaner Billie Joe from Green Day? Archie is singing along. Very well. That’s what he should be doing. Meaning, he should be doing crappy pop. Oops: Archie just missed the harmony. Tee hee. Overall, very nice. I still hate him, tho.

9:21 PM: Matt Rogers! Go Bears!!! Hmm. Archie’s grandpa looks like John McCain. And his other one speaks Spanish. So very John McCain. In a weird way.

9:23 PM: Product placement alert: Jordin Sparks. Oh, wait, not so much. The whole excitement here is not the song, but rather that she can still sing after her “career-threatening vocal chord injury.” Rob: “She’s a big girl, hunh?” Yes. Also, this song is so dull. And her dress looks like a golden garbage bag. Ya know, if you screech like that, you’re just gonna lose your voice again.

9:26 PM: Aw. Blake is singing along. He’s so cute.

9:28 PM: Local Fox News in San Diego is HIGH-larious. “Taxing your strip club? We have both sides at 10 PM!”

9:31 PM: Oh, I’m weirded out by this. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey, Jr. as Pips. Sometimes technology is wrong, wrong, wrong. Tho Robert Downey, Jr. can do no wrong. Even when he’s blitzed on crack and Jolt Cola. WTF? Jack Black has lost his pants.

9:26 PM: Carrie Underwood’s outfit looks like Ally McBeal crossed with, um, Cher? Pretty voice. Yawn. Tho Rob says that the song is “dirty.” It’s hard to notice when she’s screaming those high notes.

9:41 PM: Oh, shit. Now Archie’s doing the “Risky Business” “Guitar Hero” thing. In boxers. I guess a 17-year-old is tighty whities is, um, dirty. Tee hee.

9:43 PM: The top 12 is doing George Michael!!! Ramiele is flat. Overmyer is on drugs. Now the boys are doing my FAVORITE SONG EVER: “Father Figure.” Hottttt. The boys are Pip-ing it up. Lurvely. They’re doing “Freedom,” and they don’t seem to know that this is the ultimate coming out song. Ha!

9:47 PM: “Ladies and Gentlemen, MR. GEORGE MICHAEL!” That’s worth the price of admission. Which, by the way, was free, since we’re watching at home. Okay, he’s doing “Praying for Time.” My God, he’s brilliant. Amazing. That song. Is amazing. And Paula’s crying. Rob: “He definitely queens out more now.” Me: “He’s always been like that.”

9:57 PM: Finally. The result. Why did Ryan have to ask the judges for final thoughts? Randy: Stupid. Paula: Same, but less stupid. Simon: Gets real. He praises both of them. Says, “I don’t really care who wins.” Yeah, right. And the British accountant announces another world record. Whatevs.

David Cook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By 12 million votes! Simon is so happy! Paula just hugged Simon in thrilling-ness. David Cook is crying. And excited. And, it’s all his brother’s fault for dragging him to the audition. “It’s all his fault!” Aw, his mom’s on stage.

10:02 PM: The winning song. It sucks. But Cook rawks. Hard. Yay! He’s singing the song like he’s known it for years. What a pro! And his brother is crying. Aw!

Finally, a winner who is actually a winner. Phew! It’s been years …

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Um, okay, now for the truth: I knew the results at 7:32 PM because of some jerk on Facebook whose update was “Kevin is really surprised the monchichi didint win.” Okay, not a “jerk.” But, yeah, not nice.